True Confessions (somewhat graphic be warned)
I am very hesitant to write this blog, not because I don’t see the need, or because I want to hide, but I am hesitant mostly because of the position I hold in the church right now. I am hesitant because as much as I read scripture and know I am forgiven I am still ashamed. But I feel it is very necessary to help with the process of freedom, also because I believe I am not alone in the issues I will explain, I feel many will be able to relate, maybe not to the specific sin I deal with but with picking up the same garbage you set down at Christ’s feet day in and day out. The sin of the rotating door.
My Sin: The story of my sin begins back when I was in the 3rd or 4th grade, so parents listen up because no boy is too young. Anyway, when I was in the 3rd or 4th grade I can remember my next door neighbor was my best friend, he was 3 or 4 years older than me, we will call him Frankie. (Not his real name) Well Frankie had a friend that brought him a duffel bag full of pornographic magazines, all types, from simple nudity to hardcore stuff. Frankie brought me over and showed me these magazines and that was when it started. We would get together and look at these magazines together almost every day probably.
There are a couple things I want to point out right now to make clear this was before internet and easy accessibility to all this stuff and if it was that easy then think about it now if you have kids. Second thing I want to point out is I want you to know my parents were not parents that didn’t pay attention to what I was doing, my mom was very involved in my life, she would check my room and back pack randomly and found some of these magazines more than once and she got mad at me and got rid of the magazines immediately. I say that because I don’t want you to think my parents were at fault, but I knew it wasn’t right therefore I hid it, sometimes well and other times pay the consequences.
Now rather than making this longer than it already will be I will just let you know you know that I was involved in this in some way from this point on: stealing magazines here and there, staying up later than my parents watching T.V. knowing the sexually explicit content, going to the video store renting movies (maybe not the “adult” movies but movies rated “R” only for nudity or sex), and later on when the internet became common staying on the internet later than everyone else was up.
All this mess eventually led to me becoming sexually involved with some different girlfriends, and I remember thinking I was ok because I wasn’t having “sex”, when the truth is I just wasn’t having intercourse. See I became a Christian in the 5th Grade and I was in student leadership all though Jr. High and High School and no one really knew the difference, because the sin I dealt with has always been one that you can’t be open with unless you want be to look at you differently. See it is easy for people to admit pride, gossip, anger, even alcoholism. But the minute you tell someone you are addicted to pornography other Christians put that sin on a different scale than others.
Now, with a little background, I can get to the real purpose of this blog. Mind you there is stuff I have skipped over to save time. When I got married my wife and I talked about all this a little bit, and I thought I had this sin on lock down because I wasn’t searching pornography sites anymore, since I have been with my wife. And that was a step in the right direction but my wife and I have sat and talk since being married and I was made more aware I didn’t really have the whole sin on lock down like I thought, see I wasn’t searching pornography sites anymore but the sin, lust, I was still dealing with. Maybe some would think not in major ways but too much all the same, I have started having to be very aware of the stupid ads on the side of facebook and make sure that anything that maybe sexually explicit I delete the ads and mark them sexually explicit, I do my best to make sure when we go to see a movie if I think there may be sexual scenes in it I check before we watch so that we know before we go. What I’m saying is there is a lot of things I shouldn’t have been looking at there were not “pornography”, Jesus says to even look at a woman lustfully you have already committed adultery. This means it is not ok for us to get all googly eyed over actor/actress, it isn’t ok for us as Christians to have pictures of models, and it’s not ok for us as Christians to read books with sexually explicit material. My rule is if I won’t look at it with my wife right there I do what I can to not do it when she’s not. I have started reading Mark Driscoll’s book on Marriage called Real Marriage and it has been great, and really helped me. I have to be very careful, because the truth is this is something that has had a major, I mean major, implications on our marriage. I don’t really go on youtube, not because I would go there to look for sexual content but even look up some innocent things if you are not specific enough temptations will present themselves and it is easier to just stay off of the site.
I am doing very well right now, but I felt the need to share this because I wanted to make people aware no matter how involved someone maybe in the church, they are still capable of sinning big. Plus I hope some of the guys that read this will be encouraged at the possibility of sharing your sin, because we need help and accountability, this is not something you can do on your own, on your own you will just hide. I apologize to anyone that reads this and is offended or taken back by this but the finale reason I feel like I needed to share this is because I will share my wife’s testimony and I feel like I haven’t been willing to be open with mine because of SHAME. And I hope this doesn’t have negative implications on my career or relationships from this point on but I cannot be ashamed anymore because God is working in my life. I realized I was walking around ashamed, and that is not recognizing how great God is.
You may not deal with sexual sin as I did but what ever your story is I encourage you to share, because many may look at you weird that you share all of your short comings, but I have come to realize there are two reason people aren’t willing to share. 1. They may not realize it, for those people we need to love them and lovingly make them aware of it. 2. They are still living in their sin and/or they haven’t been set free of that sin. If we have been set free we should be able to share freely our short comings without shame because God is an awesome graceful God. We are not to be worried about others condemnation, and I was therefore I share ready and willing to accept people’s judgment because I know I am forgiven by God and my Wife.
Courtney Vann Nicoles I love you so much and I hope to love you, respect you, and honor you with my life better every day. (This statement is not to put Courtney above Christ, so keep those comments to yourself please)